April 8, 2023

The aftermath of the breakup. 

Feeling like a shell of myself. 

Eating ice cream. 

Writing in my journal. 

Crying in the shower.

Crying in the night. 

I would wake up the next morning dragging myself out of bed to go to work. 

Day by day becoming more and more of a walking zombie. 

I felt alone in my little bubble. 

I would talk to my best friend about how I was feeling but after a while, I had no words for her. 

I was in the motion of it all. 

 Had no girlfriends who could drag me out of the house. 

I couldn’t depend on anyone to help me out of this funk. 

So I had to become my own girlfriend. 

—

After a crying session in the shower, I remember calling my mom. 

Wanting to talk to her as mom and daughter. 

I needed my mommy and it sucked that I couldn’t have her right in front of me… in my presence. 

Trying my best to talk to her on a video call without crying was so hard. I wanted to just sob into the camera. For her to see the pain I was in. I needed her to hear what I was saying and not get pulled into my tears and my sadness. 

What I was about to share with her was information that could make it seem as if I was judging her choice as a woman. Could maybe bring her shame or blame for the man she chose to be my father. 

I felt pulled to tell my mom this information because moms are there to soothe their babies when they are distressed. When a baby is sad the only way they know how to communicate is to cry. 

At that moment, I needed my mom’s presence in reassuring me I was making the right decision for myself. The decision to pick myself up and move on with my life. 

I don’t blame my mom for her life choices. They make sense to her and that’s all that matters. And I can say that because of the in-depth conversations we have together being mom and daughter, being a woman and a young lady has let me see the world through her lens. It has also let me catch a peek of her womanhood. 

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Growing up I felt like I was my mom’s mom. As a kid, I was my mother’s rock and she was mine. Me being here on earth… I honestly believe it’s one of the reasons my mom is still here with us today. 

Telling my mom the revelation I had in the shower was me silently asking her to look at me as her daughter. To not persuade me in thinking other than what I know to be true. To not come to his rescue. Just listen to me… as this is my truth. 

I told her that the thing I experienced from the previous relationship was emotional security. 

I never felt that around my dad. The words I speak to my dad can feel like it’s going on deaf ears or he isn’t getting the essence of what I’m telling him. 

There are many times when I have to be very selective on what I tell him because I’m scared he’s gonna become angry and shit is going to go left. 

Walking on eggshells all my life has taught me the skill of being silent and observant. Had a conversation with my therapist about that and I believe I’ve had the skill since birth. *dry chuckle*

… I never felt safe enough to be all of me. 

Once your dad repeatedly tells you how much of a smart ass you are and how you think you know it all. After a while wouldn’t you want to yell back, “Well I guess I do know everything since you keep asking me shit. Maybe you should pick up a dictionary or try Google.” *enter sarcastic smile here*

I told her the person I was with made me feel safe enough to be all sides of me… even the soft sides of me that are only shown to a selective group of people. 

In the shower, I cried for the little girl I once was. At that moment, I felt the hole in my chest get bigger. To see, feel, and realize the things I never experienced with my dad in childhood made me feel like precious gems were stolen from me. 

There comes a time when the finger has to stop being pointed outward and start to be pointed inward. 

Just because I wasn’t given this treasured piece in childhood doesn’t mean I can’t give it to myself now as a young lady. 

To do this I thought about the ways he made me feel secure. 

1. At times I would get so frustrated to the point where I would stop talking. Instead of allowing me to shut down, he would tell me to take my time, breathe, and say what I had to say. 
2. Disagreements weren’t one-sided. We would both speak our truths and come out on the other side better understanding each other and our perspectives

Then I thought, could I do that on a one-woman show? Where do I even start? 

I started with going out for drinks with co-workers to just get myself back into a state of socializing with people. To have something else to focus on. 

Every day I would come home and write in my journal. I would go over the day’s events and then if an emotion popped up I would go into more detail on why I felt that way. What happened to make me feel that way? 

I continued saying yes to any event that would take me out of the house. Someone I met that’s from the DMV invited me to a spiritual gathering and the emotional weight I felt attached to me melted away. 

When I felt compelled, I would talk to myself in the mirror about anything, and then ten times out of ten I would end up crying about the gaping hole in my chest. How I wish I could put a bandage on it. How I wish I could hurry up and get through this storm because it was kicking my ass. 

Throughout the month of October 2022, I just kept saying yes and journaling. 

Becoming my own girlfriend, I rediscovered the hobbies I had as a child. I started doing pilates and yoga. This was me pouring into my own cup. This was me creating my own happiness that wasn’t dependent on someone else creating it for me. 

To show myself my progress I started writing on my calendar of all of the events I completed that week. So when I felt like I was getting nowhere on my journey I would look at my calendar and say, “NOPE you did this on this day and this on that day. Don’t play all the much with ya self.” 

During October I learned that it’s still okay to cry while moving forward with my life. My world doesn’t have to stop because shit changed in a direction I wish it hadn’t. 

Building my own emotional security blanket was vital for me because it created a safe space in myself. 

Before this time, I wouldn’t even cry if my whole body shook with tears that were begging to fall. 

Now I can go on a nice walk and cry or sob in public. I can create a safe space in my mind and cry. Now, I officially know that I will always have my own back no matter what.

I assured every aspect of myself that I would not leave myself if shit hit the fan. Instead, I will walk alongside myself and support myself through the storm toward the sunshine. 

*exhale* Yea I did that. 

Talk to you next time

-Say