To be quite honest… writing in a space of openness… of vulnerability is hard as hell for me.
I feel angry having to do it. I want to throw my computer and be like “I’m done with this shit! I quit!” Then roll over and watch Tik Tok.
I’m always telling people to sit in their emotions but my god it’s hard. It’s bout a bitch. This emotion I’m fighting off is anger with a side of frustration. But anger is the culprit.
My relationship with anger has been nonexistent until last year. Before then I’ve been afraid of it because I don’t know what to do with it?
I have this feeling… how do I release it?
I’ve been taught that when the feeling of anger arrives I’m supposed to scream, throw things, and cuss someone out. I’m not too keen on doing those things. From my understanding it’s an outward emotion that’s targeted toward another person. But what happens when there is no one?
It’s just me.
Why am I angry you may ask?
If you’ve read Dooms Day then you already know.
I’ve been sitting here trying to talk about the next day.
The day after I was told I was being laid off.
The words I was typing felt like fluff.
It felt like I was trying to hide from reality.
If you don’t know- I’m an expert on that.
The day after I lost my job I hid from everyone.
I didn’t reply to any text messages. I put my phone on DND. I acted as if I had the day off. I woke up feeling like my world was surreal… like I was in the matrix and I hadn’t been released from my pod yet.
Let me tell you something…
The Universe is my girllll because she welcomed me with open arms.
“Come here baby. Let mommy hug you.”
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While in the wonders of La La Land… I magically came across a floating tower of red heart shaped balloons that had the words, “I Love You”, on them.
And then suddenly I was thrusted into the world of another persons brain.
My mind and body entered the space of a little kid. Of little Sabryn. Lil Say Say.
I felt small and on the adventure to explore the museum that is called Mr.Brainwash.
It was magical. The art took me back to the days I learned how to appreciate the beauty of it. It warmed my heart to see someone create from a tone of freedom. Allowing themselves to experiment. Allowing other people to see their art in different formats or fonts.
The art Mr.Brainwash showcased was a mix of realism, pop art and everything in between. Basquit featured in the Mona Lisa, Superheros and Frida Khalo in the art remix of Nighthawks… his ability to mix art styles to visually re-excite the viewer on classic paintings was a mental explosion filled with pop rocks.
I was in his own brain of madness and his ability to “break the art rules” without giving 2 shits about the onlookers opinions warmed my heart…
and was a breath of fresh air.
I felt like a kid in an art candy store.
I basked in the feeling of allowing nothing to pop me out of that head space.
I spent hours in that museum. Looking at everything… taking pictures of art that tickled my mind. I even got some pictures of myself- which is something I don’t usually do.
I didn’t want to leave the space.
I didn’t want to face my life.
If it wasn’t for me getting hungry I would’ve stayed until they told me to leave lol.
As I was leaving holding my “I Love You” balloon I told myself I needed that. Needed time to escape my outside world.
For the rest of the week that’s exactly what I did.
I basked in that feeling of just being in my own world.
Not allowing the anxiety to cover me with fear and worry… I knew it was eventually going to come but until then I wanted to be covered in my delusion.
The next week I got to working. I applied to jobs. Connected with people on LinkedIn. I wrote in a journal specifically for Naked Truth.
I had a drive and a focus that I was not allowing their decision to knock me off course. I had this in the bag bro.
People would ask me how I was doing and I would be like I’m good, I’m cool. I’m getting up, going outside, and going to the library to get my work done. I got this shit in the bag.
I was living on cloud nine.
Until my bubble was popped!
Escaping is a tool I unconsciously taught myself to do when life was throwing fire balls at me.
It allowed me to become obsessive about celebrities, crushes, traveling, school work and everything in between. It was my safe haven when I felt very alone in this world.
Because I’ve learned how to do that, articulating myself when it comes to deep emotions is very hard for me. Mmmm okay I’ll admit… it’s not hard… I don’t have the vocabulary to articulate how I’m feeling. So basically it can’t be hard when it’s non-existent.
*writes down… need to talk to my therapist about that in our next meeting*
I guess my point of this whole thing is…we… I can only do so much escaping. The rose colored glasses are starting to rot and causing me to become sick.
Escaping is me running away from myself. Afraid and fearful of what I’ll uncover. Afraid of my truth. Afraid of my own voice.
I don’t want to escape anymore. I want to learn how to sit in it (forreal) and see life for what it is. And in the same breath understand that at times I will escape because my brain needs a fucking break. Let there be balance lmao.
It may not be pretty but it’s my world and if I live by my mantra… I can sprinkle some fairy dust on it every now and then to make it (my life) seem out of this world.
“I Design The Life I Want To Live”
Until Next Time
-Say
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