Can I be honest with you?
I have no idea why I’m writing. I don’t know why I’m writing on this blog called Naked Truth.
I know I created it to help me tell my truth, but I don’t know why I have to write about my private life and publish it for the world to read.
For the longest time, I’ve been pushed to do so. To speak my truth about my life and my perspective.
I want to be seen but I also want to be hidden. It’s contradictory but it’s me.
I’m being pushed so hard to tell my story that it scares the shit out of me.
I’m so scared that I’ve become a prisoner in my own head.
I have months and months of writing tucked away in my writing stash but instead of publishing-I lock it up and throw away the key.
Why?
Why do I do this?
Shame.
Holding Shame
My last therapy session circled around shame but I didn’t accept it. I accepted everything else that defines shame-> humiliation and fear.
I figured out I was ashamed to admit I am shameful. Shame is so close to me that I am afraid to be seen. I was standing so close to it that it ended up being me.
Shame is the reason Naked Truth’s website is only filled with titles and paragraphs with no face attached. I was afraid to put my face on my website in case I caused myself to be humiliated.
No face No case :l
If you know me, it may sound odd.
I’m an outgoing person. I’m always singing and dancing on my walks. I light up a room with just a smile. Like you would never guess I would want to hide under my covers and never return to the world.
Intro to Writing
Before Naked Truth, before the personal stories, I wrote fictional stories.
I tried my hand at Twilight fanfiction, I wrote a book in middle school I should’ve published and I have journals filled with recollections of my day or the crush I had on someone.
My need to write is like my need to breathe. If I’m not writing I’m avoiding something I do not yet want to see or know.
After my experience with fiction writing, I tried my hand at news writing and I wrote for my alma mater newspaper. It was fun for some time but it wasn’t fulfilling. I felt like I wasn’t tapping into something but I had no idea what I was missing.
In my junior year, I had an Intro to Mass Communication class where we had to create blogs to complete our homework assignments. Creating the blog was my introduction to creating my own world of writing but what was I going to talk about?
Sex… *chuckle*
Sex has always been an interesting topic to me.
Why did people have sex, was the sex even good, did people know their bodies, do people know what they’re doing, what is a kink, what is BDSM?
My sex questions started to develop in elementary school, to be honest. When your classmates joke about having a sword fight with their mom’s dildos- curiosity starts to arise lmao.
As I got older I started dipping my toe into reading smutty fanfiction, figuring out my sexuality, and reading 50 Shades of Grey. Yes, I understand the book is controversial in the BDSM community. I was just a kid-a very horny kid lol.
I was already secretly writing on Tumblr. Keeping my identity hidden, writing poems and emotional posts behind closed doors.
But for some reason having sex was the catalyst for me to begin writing publicly.
The blog I created was called Verbal Mind. It was my opportunity to write and research all of the questions I had bubbling in my head and to finally verbalize them and the answers.
I questioned monogamy and researched ethical polygamy, exotic audio, are ladies satisfied in bed, do guys know where the clit is, to shave or not to shave (that one resulted in me dying my armpit hairs purple lol.)
I was excited about my work. I felt like I was making a difference. Getting people to talk and not feel ashamed when it came to sexual exploration.
As time moved or should I say- I got older. I no longer felt so inclined to write about sex.
Why?
Too much research and not enough sex lol.
I took a step back and saw that I wasn’t living. Not just with that… I wasn’t living period. Every aspect of my life I was just stuck.
I wasn’t taking any chances. I wasn’t smelling the roses. I was living in anxiety, depression and so much worry.
During my last semester of senior year, I was questioning where my life was headed and the pandemic swooped in and made the question mark even bigger.
What do I want to do with my life?
To be honest with you I have no clue. The industry I ended up working in flew my way, I grabbed it and hitched a ride until it kicked me out by laying me off.
During my first few months of living in LA, I slowly stopped writing and posting on Verbal Mind’s website and socials.
I had nothing to talk about. I also felt like I had aged out of the creation.
Now living in LA I felt different- I thought differently and Verbal Mind was no longer the speaker I could use.
I discontinued Verbal in November 2022.
I enjoyed the ride of those 4 years and I still get excited thinking about it. I was so amazed by people wanting to talk to me about sex. Amazed at how much fun I was having. Making taboo the new normal. Ahhh I miss it. I miss the excitement and the ignorance of it.
Where It All Began
Before it had a name the idea of Naked Truth was knocking on my door. This is where shame emerges unbeknownst to me.
At the end stages of Verbal, I had this urge to write about my father and I’s relationship. It was called, Former Daddy’s Little Girl.
The idea of publishing the relationship I have with my dad had me frozen for weeks. What if he reads it and becomes angry with me and it destroys our relationship. This is family business- it should stay with us. No one needs to know. Am I doing the right thing?
I had a convo with my therapist at that time about my fear and anxiety surrounding publishing my story. For the majority of our conversation, all I could do was cry. I was a ball of shame and very much fearful of all of the negative things that could happen as a result of my writing.
Not allowing myself to write because of my own self-entrapment.
Where was this shame taught?
At home.
As a child, a lot of things happened in my household that were not spoken about after the event took place. On top of that, being told that I say nothing to anyone about family business made me swallow every emotion I had. I had to swallow my tears, my pain, and my anger. I had nowhere to release the agony I was feeling. Therefore, I had to silence myself and become a vortex of pain.
As a child, I didn’t realize how much I was carrying until the day I woke up and realized I was carrying emotional baggage that wasn’t mine and I wanted it gone.
So for me to speak my truth when for years I couldn’t… feels like my words are gonna bite me in the ass. Imma regret telling my story. Imma embarrass myself, and my family. Imma tarnish everything. Everyone is gonna look at me and say how could you.
And now, all I’m doing is removing the duct tape off of my mouth that’s been here for so long. Conditioned to swallow my pain for years and now that I’m a young adult I refuse to be silent anymore.
Reprogramming myself to speak again.
Gaining Back My Verbal Power
*exhale inhale exhale*
The creation of Naked Truth is me sewing my tongue back together.
It’s seeing myself for the first time in 3D with a full spectrum of color.
For the longest time, my favorite color was black and now my favorite color is the brightest of blues.
The beginning of deprogramming is the hardest. Distraction comes quick and is an easy fix but not sustainable. To deprogram for me means to feel everything. To listen to my own voice and listen to my intuition. To see the world through a new lens and to give myself permission to explore and not limit myself.
So why am I writing my naked truth?
Why am I writing on Naked Truth?
Writing my truth is a step forward in gaining my power back. I no longer feel and treat myself as a victim. Being accountable for my actions. Thinking more positively about how I view myself.
I’m not doing this for anyone. I’m really doing this for me. Taking off this mask I’ve created for myself in survival mode. Now I’m entering into the world as me, Sabryn, in every facet of who I am and beyond.
Is it scary? Yes, but in the same breath, it’s exciting because I’m finally being unapologetically me.
I feel like my need to write is bigger than me.
What is the calling… I don’t know.
Maybe I’m just still in my own way of seeing it.
Maybe I’m not yet ready -who knows… but I’ll continue to push myself to write and to press the ‘publish’ button when it’s done.
Until We Talk Again,
Sabryn xoxoxo
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