Remember the guy I was with? The heartbreak guy? From Two Heart Breaks At Once.
I don’t even wanna say “the guy who broke my heart” because it sounds wrong. It sounds like I’m putting this big thing on him. As if he is solely responsible for the breakup.
Even though I wanna be like, “but he did this and he did that…” and cuss his ass out and wave my hands in the air all wild…
I don’t think he is solely responsible for the heartbreak.
I think the heartbreak goes in both directions.
From my point of view…
My heartbreak was from the ending of love blossoming between two people and what could have been. Being in a dream field and mystified by the creation of love.
His could have been… the person who he seeks and wants is moving across the country. Not knowing if and when they will return to the place they first met.
I find myself thinking of him lately.
Like a lot.
And not on some limerence type shit.
At first, I thought I missed him as a person.
Solely missed him and who he is as a person.
Now that can still be the case… but I sat with myself one night.
Just up late at night like now (12:59 am PT) and I was asking myself, “Why does he keep popping up in my head?”
I had asked my tarot cards days ago and it was like because I’m stuck in the nostalgia of it all. Now I’m still a beginner in this whole tarot card thing but that’s what I was picking up from my cards.
Crazy enough both of our zodiac signs appeared in the reading.
I was like how in the hell did you know!! Lmao But of course they know.
On top of his card was the 10 of cups revised and to clarify that card came the 3 of swords. And if you don’t know, the 3 of swords is depicted as a heart being stabbed by three swords and a thunderstorm happening in the background.
*When reading tarot cards the meaning of the cards can slightly differ depending on what the topic is and what was asked of the cards.*
Descriptions of The Reversed Ten of Cups & The Three of Swords:
“When the reversed Ten of Cups card appears in a Tarot reading, you are seeking greater harmony and connection in your relationships. In your mind, you had wished for a beautiful, harmonious relationship, but in reality, you feel disconnected and disengaged from your loved one. It may seem as if something is missing, and you’re struggling to communicate honestly, empathize, and engage with one another. Each time you try to connect, something goes wrong, and you end up with even more distance between you. You may have unrealistic expectations of the relationship: that everything will be perfect and rosy every minute you are together. If this resonates, then realign your expectations and realize that every relationship has its ups and downs. Or, you may no longer be a fit for each other, in which case you may consider leaving.”
– Biddy Tarot
“The Three of Swords shows a heart pierced by three swords, representing the pain inflicted by words, actions, and intent on the emotional and physical self. The dark clouds gathering in the background mirror this pain but offer the hope that, just as the storm clouds will disappear, so too will the pain and hurt you are experiencing.”
– Biddy Tarot
The night I was up talking to the heavens… the Universe… I realized that what I missed most was the love that was created between the two of us. The love that gave me a sweet hug when I needed it the most or just knowing that someone was there for me.
That’s what I miss the most. The feeling of love.
It comes in all shapes and sizes… it’s ever-changing and evolving and that experience I had with him was pure. It was complicated, raw, unsure, vulnerable, layered, and honest.
Now I sit here, late at night wondering… what do I do with this remaining feeling.
How do I deal with this yearning? Going back to him isn’t an option.
I know I wrote, “A Letter To My Past Lover Me” , and even though that post was about a different human being…I did text Heartbreak guy.
We’ve been in no contact for about … Omgggg!!! I just realized it’s almost been a year omg.
I honestly didn’t realize it’s been a year. Like damn. Time is really something. Oh my god, if I would’ve known that I don’t think I would’ve done that… I’m melting away *facepalm*
I texted him… letting him know that I forgive him for everything and that I’m not upset. I’m not hateful toward him for the things that transpired between us.
We ended up talking on the phone.
After the conversation, I realized I had lost my voice while on the call with him.
I don’t know if it’s because I said all I needed to say in the text message or if I energetically lost my voice.
Mmmm…
If you got this far you must like what you’re reading. Please enter your email to get the latest post straight to your email and to get updates on upcoming projects. Thank you<3
Between me and you… I wasn’t expecting him to want to talk on the phone. Days went by and I didn’t hear anything. So I let go of the thought of him hitting me back.
But he did… He wanted to talk on the phone.
While on the phone it felt as though he was waiting for me to say something and I was waiting for him.
Now realizing it’s been almost a year… It makes a little more sense but not really.
I mean… I don’t know…
–
–
–
Where is a handbook for this shit…
For those wondering why I hit him up.
Long story very short- I’m still learning how to process and close the chapter myself when it comes to my emotions. Have you ever read a good book, it comes to an end and you start to miss it? You may tell your friends about it but sometimes they don’t get it so you hold onto the wonders of the book until one day you forget or you find an equally awesome book. But then something comes along and wakes up that memory and now you want to go back and read the book. Experiencing it all over again. As if it’s your first time reading it.
Even though I know how the story will end. These emotions I’m feeling make me yearn for what once was. Makes me wish I could hit the rewind button and experience it all over again. But we are humans and sometimes things don’t work out that way. And sometimes going back isn’t healthy. It’s doing yourself and them more harm.
:/
How do I wash away this emotion? A way I know how to do this is to contact the person and now realizing it’s been almost a year… it may have not been the best idea… Especially since I was the one to end it…
Bites nail…
So what do I do with this love?
I don’t know.
I can analyze it.
I can question it.
Just talking right now… I feel it. It’s in my chest and it feels warm and makes me wanna cry. I wouldn’t say I was in love with this person but while in the relationship I did see that potentially happening.
*sigh*
*inhale*(When I write that I really be doing it cuz sometimes I hold my breath when writing)
*exhale*
So again I ask…. what do I do?
How do I release the love?
Should I?
Do I?
Maybe what I’m really asking is how do I release the yearning for this person and take a step back to appreciate the love that was there but don’t hold on to it for dear life. In fear that I will never experience it again.
At the beginning of this year, I was talking to my therapist (of course) and I told her I am going to be in a relationship this year! I feel it.
It’s only May and we still have 7 more months to go…
But I’ve been on this self-love journey.
Being in love with myself.
Treating myself with love, dignity, and kindness and so much damn support. It’s been a beauty to see and to embody.
What if the person I thought I was gonna be with is… me?
I went to this art exhibit called Luna Luna and they had a wedding chapel there. The chapel was created by artist Andre Heller. (pictures are on my Instagram page @nakedtruth_hq) Nothing was government official. The chapel represents love. It represented the love people had for each other or self-love in my case.
While at the event, I had this wild idea to marry myself.
When I was younger there was a lady who married herself. I heard about it on the radio. She had a whole ceremony and had rings and everything.
When I was younger I was like she is fucking crazy. Somebody go and get her lol.
Now that I’m older I freaking get it.
To me, marriage is about unconditional love and commitment to grow in life. To continue to walk forward and to not walk backwards. To always be there in the low moments as well as the high. To be honest and truthful even when it’s hard as hell. To be there until it’s time for our bodies to be buried. To continue to remember and cherish the soul that once lived in the body and to pass on the lessons you were taught by them.
To me, if we are supposed to commit that to another human being. Why not commit that to myself?
Love is ever-flowing and ever-growing. It’s the magical power of all. Of everything.
Can I get some of that juice?
*dry chuckle*
So what do I do with the love?
How do I let it go?
After all of this writing.
I don’t think you let it go.
I think you let it be what it is.
Love.
Don’t try to give it meaning. Or put a face to it. I mean the face will be there automatically because it’s the love you experienced with a person… but what I’m saying is- let it be Love. Let it be what it is.
Choose to let it be love. Choose to admire it. And choose to admire it from afar. Knowing and understanding that in doing so will allow an even better experience of love to come your way.
Mmmm
I don’t know if I’m making sense. I don’t even know if I’m right or wrong. But it feels…
*exhale*
*inhale*
*exhale*
It feels right and good to say.
We don’t let go of love. You just allow it to be.
Dance with it, Talk with it, Love the Love.
Don’t smash it or Bruise it
Love it.
Until Next Time,
Sabryn
Leave a comment