It’s 2:36 am in the morning.

Thursday morning.

You would think I would be exhausted since I played volleyball last night.

All the girls in the club were playing DOWNNNN last night. We haven’t played that hard since last season.

I finally got a great recording of me playing volleyball!!! A girl on my team recorded me serving back to back and digging for the ball in the back row. 

Last night was the definition of SYB… an inside joke of the club iykyk. 

Instead of being exhausted- my mind is up. Not racing but quite nosy. Waiting for a download, a spark to happen and it happened and it’s happening. 

The first spark was figuring out the reason why I need to have a conversation with my dad when I return home. 

As you may know, the relationship between my dad and I isn’t the best. The little girl in me, lil say say, wishes the relationship could match her fantasy world. The SABRYN, the protector in me, is trying her best to let lil say say  know that the fantasy world will never materialize into reality. 

That her dad is her dad and she is she. 

That she can not control another human being. She can only control herself.

This is a very hard thing to do when lil say say throws a tantrum when the fantasy world is being squashed right in front of her eyes. These wild big tantrums happen where I have an emotional black out. 

When I snap out of it- I can’t even tell you how it began and how it felt. When I look back at the moment in my mind it’s like another person was in control and not me.

It’s a scary feeling.

…moving back in with my parents…

Going back home was the #1 thing I wanted to do when it seemed like my world was crashing down. But the relationship with my dad was the #1 reason I felt like I couldn’t. 

I’m not even playing the victim card. I don’t even want to play the victim card, to be honest with you. 

Things have transpired in our relationship that makes me feel unsafe with him. That makes me feel like in some way I’m sacrificing myself in going back home… Even if it’s to become financially stable again and to get my higher education. 

I’m sacrificing the safe haven I’ve created for myself in my first ever apartment here in LA. I’ve created peace for myself and now I’m going back to the dean.

I’ve been running away and escaping for years and now I’ve decided/chosen to go back home and face what I’ve been running away from for so long. 

Wanting and waiting for someone to save me… 

Escaping in wishing and hoping someone will see my silent tears and rescue me.

Moving back with my parents is going to be a learning curve. To be honest my parents don’t have a lot of rules. The rules they do have make me feel suffocated and I feel like I have no interpersonal privacy. So I rebel at times. I ain’t gonna lie. But since I’m in their house no matter what, I have to abide by their rules. 

So I’ll try my best by biting my tongue and rolling my eyes when no one is looking. Lol

But the real challenge is learning how to speak with lil say say when an argument is being agitated and she starts to fuss and become vexed.

In a split second it’s deciding whose shapeshifting into place. Can SABRYN stand in place and say what she needs to say? Can she stay calm and get through the situation with her body feeling like it’s on fire? Or is she being triggered and lil say say is coming head first around the corner to make an unforgivable appearance. 

When I say split second it really is that. Analyzing the situation as soon as I feel my body temperature starting to rise and my ears start to tingle. Do I need to step away or is it okay to proceed with caution? 

Now that I am fully aware of this dimension (for the lack of a better word) I have to learn how to soothe my younger self before the meltdown…. And unfortunately in the meltdown.

Figuring out how to parent my inner child in a tantrum. 

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Survival Mode

I talk about being afraid of going into survival mode in Behind The Writing… 

Survival mode sounds so dark. Ooohh survival mode… will she see her way out or will she be forever stuck in limbo? To find out stay tuned for the next episode *enter spooky music* 

Being mentally stuck in limbo again is a big fear of mine. 

The mind can be one son of a bitch. 

It can make you believe things that aren’t there. It can make you make something so small into a big scary monster when the obstacle is just completing one simple task. But that “simple” task isn’t so simple when the mind is playing tricks on you. 

What does survival mode look like to me? 

Being in my room all the time when I’m in the house. Not talking much. Having depressive thoughts. Not wanting to share what’s going on in my life with close friends. Not wanting to be around my friends. Being pessimistic. Just feeling like doom and gloom all the time. Feeling like I’m swimming against the waves in the ocean. 

Escaping Was Once My Best Friend

This is embarrassing but true…

When I was in daycare and elementary school, during nap time or spending time in the library I used to wish that Lil Bow Bow would bust through the ceiling and save me. He would have on all black like he was a part of the SWAT team and be hanging from a rope that’s attached to a helicopter. 

“Say let’s go. Imma get you outta here.”

Being saved was a fantasy of mine that I would daydream about. 

Going back home is like I get to put on my own superhero cape for myself and show lil say say that I got her back. We got each other’s backs. To show her I can parent her in the ways she wish she was parented as a baby girl. 

Breaking A Cycle

There’s a conversation that needs to be had with my dad and I. I am nervous as fuck. To be honest it feels like waking a bear up while it’s hibernating. 

But tonight I realized that this conversation is necessary for the safety of myself and to stand up for the teenage Sabryn and the lil say say in me.

To speak to him about my boundaries will help me leave the guilt at the door when I have to walk away from a situation or reiterate my boundaries. 

I feel like going home is allowing me to break the cycle of me not speaking my piece in a situation because I don’t want to start an argument or have a difficult conversation because of the amount of heat that will be in the kitchen. 

But what if there needs to be heat created in the kitchen?

Second Spark

The second spark is being so fucking excited to be going home. 

(The definition of home for me is still a tricky one because calling LA home is weird because it never felt like home more like a safe haven but that’s another convo or maybe not but anyhoo)

I’m so excited to go home and be with my friends again and be closer to my family on the East Coast. 

Missing events of the family getting together or sharing a proud moment with my cousin over the phone doesn’t hit the same as if it was in person. 

The memories that are created in person are fleshed into our brains easier and at least for me feels more tangible.

I don’t know. Living in LA has taught and shown me how important family is to me. On top of that it has shown me the gift of discernment and to not be so invested into other people’s lives. I can show support but I don’t have to hold their hand step by step. Oh and the power of saying NO. 

I will say the power of saying No, right now, for me is not answering the phone. Knowing that in not answering the phone the world still spins. If I don’t want an answer I don’t have to. 

Having A Plan

Being around family again when you’ve been on your own can be difficult. Being around them again can reemerge old habits you’ve tried your best to shed. Having a plan in place can help you feel anchored in the person you are now. Below are some things I have in place that will help me stay grounded. 

In no particular order

1. As soon as possible find a spiritual therapist. 
2. Find a spiritual church 
3. Find ways to get out the house (remember all the things I did in LA and activities I enjoyed)
4. Buy a monthly movie pass
5. Do activities inside the house I enjoy doing (coloring,painting my nails, making reels and Tik Toks, writing on my blog…etc)
6. Facetime my Friends 
7. Do new things and meet new people
8. Once winter comes find ways to entertain myself. Dance in the rain, play in the snow, or spend the night over a family member’s house.. 

This list is to remind me that even though the place and location I’m living in is different- that doesn’t mean that the things I’m doing now have to stop. They will just look different. 

Easier said than done yes… but with the help of my family and friends and future therapist. I will be alright. 

THANK YOUUUUUU

Wow that was a mouth full

*inhale*

*exhale*

*inhale*

*exhale* 

If you made it this far… THANK YOU FOR READING NAKED TRUTH!!!!!!! 

Thank you for reading the life posts, following me on social media and being my day one’s! <3 

It means the world to me. I am forever grateful for you reading my blog and taking time out of your day to stop and read. Thank you so much. 

With my upcoming move from LA to DC I feel like Part 2 is coming to an end. 

I feel another transition of myself coming forth and I want to be ready for it when it comes. Mmmm I feel like this whole thing is preparing me for it. 

With the building of part two, I feel like I have knocked down the walls of fear and shame. I’ve welcomed curiosity and hope back into my life. I have built a new found relationship with spirituality and getting to know who I truly am. I am forever grateful for this. 

I’m learning and listening to my intuition and so Part 2 is coming to an end. There will be one more blog post after this so stay tuned. 

See you soon,

Sabryn

3:26 am