August 3,2024 12:05am

Can I be honest with you?

*fake smile*

*shifts hair behind ear*

My anxiety is high as hell and I am holding onto strings of hope and faith that I’m not deep diving into the pool of depression.

*exhale*

*keep smiling keep smiling so it doesn’t get too awkward.*

I was really contemplating on telling this to you.

And to myself…

Why?

It’s embarrassing.

Why?

Because it’s something I knew was.. highly possibly… going to happen.

Once you get a taste of freedom… living on my own… in my own world…

Going back home…

No matter how many laughs happen

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It doesn’t matter that I’m able to have a place to rest my head and have food to eat and a place to crap and take a bath…

At times being back home can feel like a big-ass trigger button.

I feel embarrassed because I feel like this is my fault. Like I asked for this. I asked to be triggered again because I didn’t want to struggle until I had a penny to my name in Los Angeles.

*fake smile some more*

*hold in the tears*

*I do not want to cry in front of these people in their nice suits and dresses*

*exhale*

*close eyes for a second*

*Close and open my mouth in hopes words come out*

Coming home I sacrificed my safe haven which was my apartment… my home… in Los Angeles.

Yes, it’s not my fault that I was laid off and the amount of applications, networking, and speaking with recruiters didn’t result in another job.

Yes, I know that.

But that doesn’t mean….

It doesn’t mean that moving back home… running back to safety doesn’t sting and has cons.

Something so small can happen like my parents arguing or their voices being raised and my brain just goes back to the times of just being so frightened.

To soothe my child self is taxing.

I feel like I’m silently hearing people say, “I told you so.”

And I’m not looking at them.

I’m not looking them in the eyes because…

Because…

Because nothing they said was wrong and I knew it then and I definitely fucking know it now.

How do I fight it?

*thank you for the glass of wine Cheers everyone*

To be honest I have no clue.

The Sabryn I was in Los Angeles I have lost sight of her… sadly.

I feel like I’m building myself back up from scratch.

The course of action I wanted to take with my life no longer makes sense no matter the amount of times I speak about it.

It feels like it was a different Sabryn. It was.

When anxiety gets too high and depression gets low… I feel a ball of emotions and sometimes I just do nothing. I eat my cereal, watch TV and wait until a burst of sunshine comes home- my mom.

Other times when I can roll myself out of bed I go for a walk, do yoga, go to a museum… get out of the house.

Getting out of the house allows me to shake off the energy I hold onto in the house. It allows me to get in touch with me that’s light… that’s not bogged down with anxiety and stress.

Being in nature is so healing.

I’m nervous for the winter.

I pray that I’m in a better place then.

*everyone continues to eat and drink. Mingling with each other. I look across the room and a familiar face shares eye contact with me. Raises their glass and mouths, “l see you.”

Until Next Time,

Sabryn Out

xoxoxo