5:24 pm April 22, 2025

Being ready for a change is like picking up a stick and poking it at an invisible object…

No no no

Being ready for a change is like having a key and not knowing what it unlocks. 

For months I’ve been in the realm of “A Change is Coming” 

A few of them, I  know what it is 

Others I’m yelling at the wall

“Where is it! When is it coming!” 

Then someone tells you to be patient and then you’re like “For how long I’ve been patient for so long already!” 

Then I breathe 

Walk away while my mind is mentally going crazy and then everything just stops

I don’t know if it’s because I don’t care anymore or if time passes and I realize no matter how much I want it- it doesn’t change the pace of anything

I don’t have control over it

I only have control of myself 

Now this is wayyyyyy easier said than done. I have freaked the fuck out for months because a change I’ve been wanting is taking its sweet ole time to come. 

In wanting to change, the thoughts of being grateful for what I have is coming to mind. Even though I don’t think that’s fair. As if I am not grateful for what I have.

I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting more. Wanting more for self and wanting to feel fulfilled in life. To be reminded that that is a part of what life is about. To feel full. To feel fulfilled. 

Maybe it’s just me but i realized we say the things we want out loud in passing. Not taking note that what is said is what we want. Dismissing it as if it’s not obtainable. 

I think at times we don’t think it’s obtainable because all of the dots haven’t connected yet. Something to make the thought click… to make it make sense in the mind hasn’t happened. 

Kinda like how if you look at your past it connects to your present day. How ‘then’ makes ‘now’ make sense. 

*pondering*

I don’t know if anything I’m saying is resonating. 

I just know for certain it’s hot outside with a slight breeze and that I really don’t feel like cooking.