April 4, 2023

For some reason when I tell people I moved to LA. They make it seem like I woke up that morning and was like FUCK IT… I’m moving to LA… or maybe that’s just me projecting… I don’t know *chuckle* 

Being from DC… at times it can feel like the city is just too small for certain dreams and aspirations. DC is the Nations capital but it wasn’t designed for families and communities outside of the political scene. If your dreams are bigger than that off-shaped diamond it feels like the city is just too damn small.

At least that’s how I started to feel once I left for college. 

I didn’t know it at the time but at home… I felt like I was trapped in a box. I could only act a certain way. I could only be the Mask of Me. If I did anything outside of that I would be bombarded with questions I didn’t know the heart of the answer to… 

Unbeknownst to me I went to college states away to get away but what I thought I was leaving behind went right with me. 

I was an A/B student in school. In college, I was a part of the radio station, campus news paper and I was a model but that whole thing comes with its own storytime. I also made friend groups that in the end would fall apart. At school, I never felt like I could find my footing. Every time I thought I did the cloth would get pulled from under my feet. So when I found any opportunity I had to get the fuck I took the golden ticket in hopes it would help me escape this world I was living in.

In my freshman year, I got accepted into this program that took students from HBCUs and HSIs to California to explore getting an MBA in top California schools.

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My first time smelling the California air was the first time I felt free. Like I no longer had shackles on my back… tugging me out of a place I no longer wanted to live in. This program was for 4 or so weeks and those weeks were the best. I cried going back home. Back to the place that was limiting me. 

From Freshman year to Junior year, every program I got accepted into was in California and every time I arrived I felt like I was home. 

My senior year in college, 2020, I didn’t know what the fuck I was going to do. I was thinking about taking a year off before entering the job force to travel and figure out what I wanted. 

Then COVID happened. I was forced to sit on my ass and figure out what I wanted out of life. What did I want my life to look like? What did I want my life to feel like?

To be honest, I didn’t know the answers. The only thing I knew was that California was my end goal. I had to get there… it felt like all my answers were in that BIG. ASS. STATE. 

From 2020 to 2022 I made a plan. My mom brought me this big ass dry erase board and with the help of a friend I wrote out my plan. I planned month by month on how I was going to prepare to move across the country. How much money I wanted to save. I asked people I knew what neighborhoods were best to move in. I did my own Youtube and Google research. 

Then the day came to tell my parents my plan on relocating. I had a full time retail job but I wasn’t sure if the California location would have a position open. At the end of the day, I had to pack up, set sea and live the life I wanted to live.

They had the look of fear on their faces. With all the tension in the air and the questions I barely had any answers to… I decided I wasn’t going to let their thoughts and fears persuade me to stay.

Was I scared shit less… YES! I was de-fucking- pressed before I moved. Family issues were happening. I felt so unmotivated because COVID fucked up all of my plans. But let’s be honest I didn’t have much of a plan… I just felt stuck… and the career jobs I was applying to were just falling through. Nothing was moving. 

I didn’t know what I was doing. I had no one to lean on and to ask for help in this experience. I mean I did but the family friend I talked to moved from DC to New York in the 90s. The stories they were telling me didn’t feel tangible. I couldn’t relate. The experience is the same but times have changed. 

With persistence and luck, I moved out days after my 24th birthday.

2020-2022 I felt like I hit rock bottom. If I didn’t get the fuck I felt like I would be stuck in DC forever. I would have given up my dreams of working in the entertainment industry and living the life I craved for myself. 

So yea I may be projecting when I say, “People make it seem like I just got up and moved to LA”.

When they say, “Say YOU MOVED TO LA”… the words don’t convey how mentally drained and hopeless I felt before the move happened. They don’t understand how for the first time in my life I had to bet on myself. Or how once I got out here I turned down a job because the pay was low as hell and I wasn’t sure if another opportunity would come along any time soon. 

Moving to LA I feel like I saved myself on levels I don’t even understand. 

Do I feel like LA will be my forever home… My forever state… 

I don’t know at this moment. 

What I do know is that I’m no longer in survival mode. 

For the first time, I feel like I’m in my 20’s. To be honest I feel like I am 20. 

I feel like I can unmask myself…

I can meet people who I vibe with… and freely remove myself from the ones I don’t mix well with.

I’m enjoying my life… and for right now… That’s all that matters.

For this episode, my friend, I hope you leave with the thought on how to live life for yourself and not for others. 

I don’t know you but I want to validate your life experiences… and to let you know that I know making the first step is not easy and that betting on yourself is not fucking easy. 

But I’ll leave you with this… 

If you don’t do it… who will? This is your life and ultimately you decide how to live it. 

We will talk again next week? Same time? Cool.

-Love Say