April 6, 2023

This weekend has been a whirlwind. 

Filled with alcohol, party after party, sweet touchings of skin on skin, and a sprinkle of confusion.

To crave the company of someone else while the heart still wonders…

Not on what ifs of the past but on the understanding of how the past helped create who I am today. 

How the walls I put up weren’t built overnight… they were put up to protect me from the harshness of the reality of love at times. 

How now, I’m in the state of redefining what intimacy, affection, vulnerability, and love mean to me.

And it all started with a sudden breakup I didn’t see coming. 

Well, my conscious mind “didn’t” see it, but the subconscious mind was aware of it every second of every day… 

Dealing with a sudden breakup is one of the toughest things to go through.

I felt like the rug was pulled under me and I had to figure out whether I should stay or go. 

At the time, I thought the easiest thing to do was to stay. Stay and conform to the asking of opening up the relationship when I was already at a point of it’s either us or we go our separate ways. 

Why might you ask?

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It was a long-distance relationship… but it didn’t start out that way. 

We met when I was still living in the DMV(DC/Maryland/Virginia). The relationship started off as two people who liked each other’s company. But after a while- a snowball effect started to take place. 

Emotions started to build, and words were said that made me think/assume that maybe this relationship could survive the distance. 

But at times, I felt like the thought of that was all up in my head. The rose-colored glasses were on. I enjoyed being in LALA land too much to take them off. 

Rereading my journal, I see how I would question his actions on commitment. I would question his thoughts on taking a chance on this long-distance thang. 

I didn’t realize how often I would ask the same question but in a different format. Unconsciously hoping he would say an answer that calmed all my nerves I wasn’t ready to feel. 

I was holding on to something that may have not even been there. 

Ya know… to be honest… this person was a part of my emotional support system. They were there when I worked retail… got my first phone call from an entertainment industry recruiter and when I moved to LA. I didn’t feel so alone. 

I don’t know if you’ve experienced it but moving to a city where you know no one is very isolating and lonely. 

Outside of family and friends whom I consider family… he was my constant. As my therapist would say he filled the hole of deep connection, intimacy, and companionship. Distance didn’t matter. 

Rereading my journal, I see how tight I was holding to something I was losing. Because I wasn’t just losing him… I was also losing ‘something’ I never knew existed before. 

This ‘thing’ was something I didn’t have in my childhood. When your dad goes to jail quite often and is emotionally and mentally abusive- some pieces never develop. There are things only a dad can fulfill in a daughter’s life that teach her how she should be treated, how to love, what the essence of love is, what it means for a man to support his family… etc. 

Sadly, I ended up contacting the guy again and it was a shitstorm. I left the conversation with so much rage to the point I had to stop myself from throwing my phone across the parking lot. 

That event really made me ask myself “What the fuck am I doing?”

Before the phone call, for a full month, I spent time being my own girlfriend. I was sick of crying in my room and walking around like a zombie. Just being distraught about what happened. Repeatedly asked myself, why didn’t I see the signs sooner? Why didn’t I just take the stupid glasses off? Why didn’t I do this or do that? 

I was wailing in my own self-pity and criticizing myself for “not knowing any better.” I’m a smart girl. I shouldn’t have put myself in this sticky situation. 

My god. 

I was hurt. My feelings were so hurt that when I made myself think about it- my chest would ache in pain. The pain in my chest was so deep it made me feel like I would never be able to fill the hole again. Even self-love… self-care wouldn’t even do the trick. 

The pain I felt was similar to the hurt and betrayal I felt when my dad first broke my heart. 

I was caught off guard. I imagined what took place didn’t happen even though I kept replaying the events in my head.

If you can believe it or not… There was a time in my life when I was a daddy’s girl. Anywhere he went I went. 

Thinking about it now… those moments seem like dreams… as if someone else lived those moments. 

My mom raised me. She raised me to ask questions to her questions. She dealt with my smart-ass mouth. She was my caretaker- the one and only. 

Once my dad came home for good, I wasn’t having any of that. I wouldn’t conform to how my dad wanted me to act. Him disciplining me was out the window. How could he demand this when he didn’t raise me? When he arrives back into my life I’m supposed to be the good little kid and do as I’m told. Fuck that. 

Conversations of my dad coming back home for good and me being a snarky teenager were had but were left on deaf ears. 

Over the years, our relationship became even more dysfunctional. To feel peace within our relationship I need space and distance. The interactions between us become too heated and too intense to the point where I feel like a little girl all over again. Just screaming for her dad to come back home and play teacups with her. 

The fantasy land I’m trying to snap myself out of has been hard as hell. 

To realize the dad I crave isn’t there.

The love between my dad and I showed up in my first romantic relationship. The relationship was filled with manipulation, gaslighting, lies, and me acting as if I did not give one fuck. I showed my pain behind closed doors. Shedding tears and showing anger was a sign of weakness. Showing anger was a big no-no because I believed that was an uncontrollable emotion. 

The result of that relationship left me in pieces… I was already at a stage in life where I didn’t know myself. After that relationship, I was a fucking ghost. 

I promised myself I would never go back to something like that again. Shit, I was already at rock bottom. I could only go up from there. 

The thing that started this revelation was heartbreak. 

The cycle of heartbreak for me was anger, anger, criticizing and blaming myself, realizing it was really over, the realization that the relationship wasn’t all I had made it to be, and lessons I learned by being in the relationship. 

At first, I thought I was heartbroken over the person I lost. Over time I realized I was grieving. 

I lost a type of love I had never encountered before. 

It was love filled with patience, space for me, deep care, compassion, and understanding ….We understood each other to where sentences didn’t need to be completed. The wave signals from our brains completed the thought *chuckle chuckle* 

I enjoyed how I felt when I was with him. I felt like I could be my snarky smart-ass self. But I also felt safe enough to show my soft side.

From a teenager to an adult… I haven’t felt that with my dad. 

The heartbreak with my dad… I’m teaching myself that it is okay to let the heart break because I’ll catch myself at the end. I don’t have to rush the process of trying to make everything better. My heart hurts because of where our relationship is. Until recently, I haven’t allowed myself to sit in that feeling. It sucks but it’s needed. 

The heartbreak with the guy made me relook at how I treat myself and made me ask myself some important questions. 

Here are some of them… (pick some of these)

1. Can I make myself feel loved?
2. How can I step into my feminine energy on my own accord?
3. Can I have intimacy with myself? 
4. Can I give myself that fuzzy feeling?
5. What does love look like to me? How do I define it?
6. Was it love or was it something new?
7. How do I want to be treated in relationships?
8. How do I want to treat people in relationships?
9. What are my red flags?
10. What am I holding back from someone that wants to get to know me?
11. What am I scared of?
12. What are my boundaries? What are my non-negotiables? 

Slowly but surely my heart will heal… or maybe not. 

Maybe over time… time will make the pain feel so small I’ll “forget” it even existed. 

Talk to you soon.

-Say