“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

“To never have loved at all” I would reply.

To open my heart to love

To be close to love

For my love to be stomped on

For my love to be questioned

For my love to be taken as a joke

Had made me wish to never experience love.

Pain toward something so delicate to me doesn’t feel worth it… at times.

And yes I know that saying no to love means to love nothing at all.

*sigh*

I don’t know…

I’m laying here on my green couch eating cashew,cranberry and almond trail mix from Target…

I’m hungry as hell

But I can’t cook yet….

If I cook I fear I won’t continue this- so starve I go *hungry chuckle*

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I wrote out a letter to a past lover… I did

It said all the words I wished to say to him

There wasn’t a proper goodbye

There wasn’t a text that said… “hey I don’t think this is working blah blah blah”

I wanted to send out that text message, to face time them, or to say in person, that the time between us has come to an end. But I was too balled up in not wanting to hurt their feelings in ending the relationship between the two of us that I forgot to think about me.

Mmmm, I don’t think ‘forget’ is the correct word.

It’s more like I didn’t put myself first.

I should have ended the relationship because it was no longer working for me.

Instead, I waited for the perfect words to come… the perfect words that would not hurt their feelings… but the words were never found.

Typing this and saying it out loud makes me feel like I’m being so selfish and wrong. But shouldn’t I put myself first when it comes to love?

Shouldn’t I put myself first if something is no longer working for me?

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Because there wasn’t a proper goodbye.

Because it was a fade-away type of goodbye- my Gemini sun and Cancer rising ass has so much I need/want to say but will not say to him.

So I wrote out a letter to my past lover telling them all the things I wished to tell them but then I thought to myself… after watching a TikTok video about black women centering men when it comes to love… I thought to myself what about me…

What do I wish to tell myself?

No pointing fingers at either party but what do I wish to tell my future and past self?

*pause*

*sigh*

*thinking while eating cranberries and nuts* lol

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Dear Sabryn (that’s me lol),

With every partner, you see what you need in a relationship.

You see yourself, and your actions, and begin to understand the dance you choreographed.

You start to see why you gravitate to certain people.

Sometimes it’s a mirror. Sometimes I see my father. And sometimes I see something brand new. Other times I see a past lover in a current one.

What is your goal?

No that doesn’t sound right.

What’s your reason for wanting to find love… to seek love?

Should I even seek love?

Is love even seekable?

*palms face*

mmmm

Maybe not seekable…

It should be easy…

Love is to come by like a whisper in your ear…

*eats more cranberries*

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Through therapy, I discovered the love I crave is the love I didn’t receive from my father.

I’m a true believer that your parents teach you how to love.

Your opposite-sex parent shows you how you deserve to be loved by your partner.

Therefore your parent is your first love.

My dad was my first love.

As I’ve become an adult, I realize why my dad is the way he is and that how he loves me doesn’t fault him.

I don’t know, I guess I don’t blame him for his expression of love anymore.

Mmmm

Now as an adult *wow that’s crazy*

Now as an adult *fixes tie*

I’m figuring out how I want to be loved and how to love.

I want to be loved softly, understood and to feel safe.

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*continues writing letter*

You used to blame yourself every time things went to shit. You used to freak out and your anxiety was through the roof.

You have calmed down A LOT. You have learned how to reassure yourself and to give yourself comfort.

You are as you say- not a hopeless romantic but a hopeful romantic.

You are allowing yourself to take a step back and take a look at things for what they are and not what you wish it to be.

I am proud of you. I hope you are proud of you.

I am proud of myself. Every time I feel or see myself grow I do a little dance or pat myself on the back.

Since my heartbreak experience, I continued to find ways to love myself as I wish someone else would.

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If you need some tips on how to love on yourself here’s a list of things I do.

• Movie Date
• Open and Honest with myself about my feelings. Validate my feelings and feel my emotions
• Take a bath
• Buy myself flowers
• Admire myself in the mirror
• Go to events that make me excited
• Color
• Comfort myself when my emotions are high
• Reach out to friends and family to talk shit or vent to them about life

If you have ways you love yourself feel free to share them with me and others in the comment section <3

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Why do I find ways to love me?

Think about it…

Why should I have to wait for someone to treat me the way I want to be treated in a relationship? Why not do it for myself?

I believe that anybody that walks into your life should be an addition to you.

This letter is to remind myself that I’m still growing and will always be growing.

This letter is to give myself grace which then will allow me to give grace to others.

Ahhhhh I like me lol.

I like all of my quirks and I’m on the pathway in loving myself fully.

So yea, this letter was going to be for a lover… but why?

When at the end of the day everything I need to say is to me.

I close the imaginary door. I’ll talk to a brick wall to say goodbye to what was.

I would rather let myself know that I love me. I love me with all my mistakes, my guilt, my regrets, my joy, my sadness, my happiness, and my hunger.

For me,that’s most important.

The letter I wrote to my past lover I’ll throw it in a bonfire somewhere.

This letter is for me,

Sabryn