What’s Happening Next: The 25 Year Old Crisis
It’s 2:24 am and I have just completed a night’s work and I am exhausted.
And the thought that decided to pop up in my head was… “I have no idea on what I’m doing”
I feel like my next decision is between a rock and a hard place.
I’m just not yet ready to accept the decision I have to make.
*exhale* * inhale* *exhale*
I’m not yet ready to tell what the decision is.
Adulthood.
No one ever tells you that sometimes you will have to make decisions where you are throwing a rock into the unforeseen future. And you’re praying that you see the rock return your way. Maybe the rock will grow in size or come to you in the same form you threw it. But sometimes. Sometimes nothing becomes of the rock. It’s just a rock.
(Elmo would be so mad at me for this lmaooo)
I’m really finding that losing my job was a blessing. Throughout this experience I’ve been praying and talking to the universe to show me a pathway. To show me what my next move is.
She has shown me but man oh man I’m not ready to accept it.
I’ve built a life for myself here in LA. I have friends, I have things I enjoy doing weekly, I have my favorite stores around the city (I’m gaining my people in business lol. Ya know the one where your parents be like “I gotta guy who does xyz”. Those are the connections I’m building. I’ve always wanted to have those connections lol anyooo lol)
I’m living in my first apartment.
I’ve created my own safe haven. I’ve created a space where I can do shit and hear no one’s mouth. I’ve created a space where I can cry my eyes out. I’ve created a space of peace. I’ve created a space for me that allows me to wash away my day once I hit the threshold. I’ve created a place for me where I’m able to talk about the world and allow my brain to analyze and see where I can better myself.
What signs are the Universe trying to show me?
I’ve found myself. I created a safe haven within me.
And the next step I know in my dearest of dearest hearts… is a step in my next phase in life…. And it scares me.
Moving to LA scared me because I was leaving everyone behind. I don’t know how this sounds but I felt as though I had to look after people or they would lose themselves and they would need someone to help them up. I felt like me leaving would light everything on fire. I was terrified.
Before I left for LA I cried. No, I deeply sobbed in my mom’s arms because for so long I was her mom and for the first time I had to cut the cord.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhh
That sob I cried to her was uncontrollable. She had never seen me cry like that ever.
I cried when I went off to college but I cried in the presence of my grandma. My mom never heard my worries of me leaving her until I decided to go on a life journey and live in the city that is Los Angeles.
Ahhhh
Man oh man
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Almost 2 years later I’m at another cross road. A cross road I was once in when I was a graduating senior in college. I did not know what the fuck I was going to do with my life after college. I was stuck and confused. I think I talked about it on Naked Truth before. I was going to stay home for a year to figure life out or travel abroad but COVID came and did its thing.
Me wanting to work in the entertainment industry in Unscripted and always feeling at home when I would visit California made me feel like LA was the place for me. Felt like it was the place I needed to be in. And even though the career I wanted to work in is in Los Angeles. I’ve always felt like I moved out here to experience life.
Mmmmm
Why don’t people talk about the 25 year old crisis?
When you one day look in the mirror or at your computer at work and you realize that what you are doing in life is not what you want to be doing.
And then you ask yourself well if that’s the case… “What the fuck do I do next and how the fuck do I get there?”
Ahhhhh
Ain’t it bout a bitch.
I’ve been studying human design. If you don’t know what it is you should definitely get into it.
Basically human design is the way a person should live their life that’s best suited for them. As humans the world wants us all to operate in the same way when we are not built to copy and paste each other. We are supposed to be our own person. Human design teaches you how to operate within your profile and how to use those tools to live your best life basically.
There’s 5 different types. Manifesting Generator, Generator, Manifestor, Reflector, and Projector.
I’m a Manifesting Generator.
A quick snippet of what a MG is: “Manifesting Generators are multi-passionate people who like to do lots of different things all at the same time. Manifesting Generators are meant to give energy to what is calling them most at the moment and know that when they start to feel resistance to something, it’s time to move on.”
-Sanctuary by Kristen Rice
Studying what it means to be a MG, I’ve learned that being frustrated and filled with anxiety when doing something is a big sign that I should not be doing that… I should think twice before I head in that direction.
For example, you ever want something so bad but you keep getting hit with resistance. You’re on your way to some place and you keep getting hit with red lights. You may be wanting to talk to someone but you can’t find your phone or your phone stops working? Or getting to the end of a simple process is turning out not to be so simple. Roadblocks getting in the way that’s making the process harder than it should be?
Have you ever stepped back and changed direction/plans and the process is so much easier.
If you don’t relate then you may not be a MG or someone whose telltale sign of not living in your design is frustration. Maybe it’s anger, bitterness, or disappointment.
Now back to my main point lol
What am I supposed to do next?
I have my answer, I just don’t like it.
I’m angry with it.
But the anger I feel is not a bodily feeling. It’s more of a mental anger. One where you know someone is right but fuck why do they have to be right.
Why did I explain what human design is?
Because when I look for the frustration there is none in thinking of my next step. Only calmness.
The frustration comes when I try to stay where I’m at now. Trying to make now work in the future when the universe is like, “Mmmmm nawww, that ain’t it miss lady.”
So many opportunities that should’ve been mine in the bag. I felt it in my spirit- I ended up receiving a “I’m sorry but unfortunately…”
Then I go, “What the fuck am I doing any of this for?”
“What am I fighting for?”
“I’m lost?”
“Am I fighting to free myself because I’ve felt like I’ve been restricted?”
“Noooo because while living in LA I feel like I’ve released myself from feeling like that.”
“Am I scared that my next step will be me restricting myself again… YES!”
“So what do I do….”
A rock and a hard place?
Do I trust all that I’ve learned throughout these 2 years? Do I trust all of the tools I’ve learned in my therapy sessions? Do I trust myself? Do I trust myself in making a decision? A decision that’s solely based on me. Talking to person after person about my decision, I realized no one can give me the answer I desperately seek.
*exhale inhale exhale*
So what do I do…
I guess I’m moving back home and going back to school.
Until Next Time,
Say
2:54 am PT
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