It’s 12:45 am. December 24,2024

I’ve been home all day today. I finally got my rest but now I’m restless

Well, my eyes are tired but I’m not ready to go to sleep.

These are the hours where the mind talks

And the creativity flows

Ahhh

2024 is coming to an end.

What are my plans for New Years?

I wanna go out.

I really do!

I wanna have some drinks and have a night out on the town…

The caveat is…

I’ll be going by myself…

I did ask one person… a girl I met at a party a few weeks back… cuz why not

But to be honest I want to go by myself

I keep saying to myself how going alone is… will be symbolic for me

2024 has crushed me. 2024 has given me a spiritual awakening. 2024 has made me want to quit and curl up into a ball. 2024 has made me feel and see what having hope and faith feels like… tastes like. 2024 has shown me how to dream again and what my goals are. 2024 has allowed me to see myself in a “new light”… but to be honest-it just has allowed me to see myself clearer. 2024… at the end has shown me not to settle and it’s okay to choose me. I am my 1st choice.

And I did that….

With the help of people to support me. For sure having their support at times felt like the wind beneath my wings.

But it’s something about entering the new year with just Sabryn.

Last New Year.

I rang it in by myself. On my couch watching the ball drop. Eating 12 green grapes under this so-called table.

My goodness I’m never doing that again.

My world was flipped upside down.

To some they would say the grapes worked. They did what they were meant to do.

Took away everything I thought I needed. And pushed me toward what’s been calling my name for so long but it got buried in the voices that weren’t mine.

(Ooo that’s a bar lol)

2024…

I say good bye.

To be honest I don’t wanna say hi to 2025 just because of the horrible PR to the name of the year (rolls eyes)

But I feel like 2025 is gonna be one for the books. My book.

The Pattern, an app, has shown me that things are on its way and I need to prepare.

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I’m excited to finally get the chance to travel
I’m excited to continue to step into my own
I’m excited to apply for school and pray I get accepted and find money
I’m excited to go toward the dreams I now have.
I’m excited to have fun
I’m excited for the mystery of it all
I’m excited for the tears
I’m excited for the heartbreak
I’m excited for the I miss yous
I’m excited for what’s next

It may be weird to say, “I’m excited for the pain”

But I’ve come to the realization that… if you are looking forward to the love of life. The excitement of life. In some ways you are also looking forward to the pain of life.

Now I’m not talking about the human to human chaos.

I’m talking about the pain that naturally comes in the cycle of life.

To experience heart break of any kind. There was once love/passion/joy/etc

Being back home with my parents makes me feel like I’m starting everything over from scratch.

Like I’m getting a do-over of some kind.

I can’t put my finger on it as of yet…

I do feel like… throughout everything… the decision to come back home was the hardest of them all…

Scary thing to say so I’ll knock on wood…

I think coming home was the best decision for me.

I know! Shocking! You didn’t expect…shid I didn’t expect that either …

Coming back home I didn’t know how much I was holding in.

Trying to force myself to have such a positive outlook on my world falling apart. Or so I thought.

Coming home and deep diving into depression, feeling anger, sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.

Being around my family really helped me. Shoot even going to a Christian church helped me.

Then I finally found a therapist who is spiritual and knows about Tarot and Human Design. Ahhh, she is my literal prayer being answered.

Talking about the rug being pulled from under me. Them allowing me space to feel all I felt. The anger, the sadness, the depression, the wishing and hoping things had happened differently, listening to how unfair the world is…

To then finding a Reader. Who helped me heal my heart. A heart that was dark, deep and shattered in a thousand pieces.

The deep mess I’ve felt in my chest for yearssssss. Not knowing what it was. Felt like a dark pit. Inescapable pit of such dark emotions.

Without those magical people I would be still fucking depressed. I thank them.

So I guess going to the event isn’t about going by myself and being symbolic of going through 2024.

It’s a celebration of one of the hardest years of my life. And celebrating getting through it with the help and support of people in my community.

It’s a celebration… I don’t know how to describe. The feeling of completing a race in first place. Chest out. Running through the red ribbon. Arms up in the air. Biggest smile on face. Screaming “I DID IT!!!”. Confetti going crazy!!!

My insides are going crazy with ecstatic emotions.

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I’ve been writing this as the song Agape by Nicholas Britell has been playing on repeat. How interesting lol. Very on the nose.

Make 2025 YOURS.

Give 2025 a word and let that word help you flow through the world.

My word for 2025 is FUN.

And fun is what I’ll have.

Happy mother fucking New Year 💋🤍✨

-From Say