7:37 pm March 5, 2025

How do I survive in a place where everyone is delusional in what’s taking place? What the fuck is going on?

A part of you has to be delusional to survive. To exist. 

It becomes a part of you. It becomes a part of your personality. One that is glued to you. It’s something that whispers to you wondering, “How did I get here?” but as soon as the thought comes- it disappears into the abyss. 

One of my favorite movies is The Matrix. A world that was created for you. One that tells you what to do and when to do it. Eat this, tuck that, smile here, fuck like this, and pray to this entity. 

The spiritual awakening I had was chosen for me. 

My entity- my being said, “It’s time my darling for you to wake up to what’s really around you.”

——

“You take the blue pill, and the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Neo hesitates. He pauses. Not sure what he should do. As he goes to reach for a pill Morpheus speaks. 

“Remember all I’m offering is the truth and nothing more.”

We see Neo pick the red pill through the lens of Morpheus’s glasses. 

Looking Morpheus dead in his eyes Neo takes the red pill. Neo grabs the water that’s nearby. As he gulps it down, thunder is heard from outside. Symbolizing change has begun. Once Neo finishes the water Morpheus instructs Neo to follow him. Welcoming him into rebirth. 

——

My spiritual awakening came when I was at my lowest. Well, that’s what it felt like in my days of crying all over my apartment and crying in the bathtub. 

I talk about that day more deeply here DOOMS DAY. 

It felt like my world was coming to an end but in reality, it was just beginning. Beginning to learn the steps of my life.

My life is based on my rules and my operation. Now I’m still in the learning phases so I can’t go into full detail but I’ll say this. 

Me writing, reclaiming my voice, choosing myself no matter how hard it feels … etc etc

Is me walking into the door of my own power. Not allowing outside things to define me. I’m realizing as I’m writing this… we let other things define us because we don’t have a meaning for ourselves. 

Don’t let other people define what you already know about yourself. Quiet all of those voices and hear the whisper you have been silently pushing away because of xyz. Listen to it. Allow it to sing life into your heart. Allow it to shine on you. 

My spiritual awakening let me know some truths of my life. Told me Shit I ain’t like. 

It asked me, “What was I gonna do to reclaim my power?” What was I gonna do to become the person I’ve always seen in myself? I wanted to be my alter ego. I didn’t want her to be two separate things. I want her to be me and I am her. We are together. 

I discovered this podcast out of nowhere. On my way to a job interview. This lady was interviewing a pastor named Michael B. Beckwith. It was an interview about his life and how he came into spiritual teaching. I felt it explode something in my mind. It was something I’d been looking for but didn’t know where to look and damn it- it fell in my lap. It was about an hour ride to the interview so I got comfortable and listened to the entire podcast interview. 

Michael was in the streets when he was younger. He was on the verge of going to jail for quite some time. Someway somehow he had spiritual insight that he wasn’t going to go to jail. The case would get dropped and he would walk away a free man. He told his friend about his vision and his friend thought he was outta his mind. Ain’t no way Michael wasn’t going to jail. He was caught red-handed. 

Michael prayed that if he didn’t go to jail, he would go down the path the Universe had been trying to push him down. Building his own spiritual church. 

The day he went to court- they dropped the charges off because of a technicality.

Michael was a free man and now it was his time to decide if was he going to stick to his word. 

Now you may be like his friend, ain’t no fucking way. That’s just a coincidence. If you are in the spiritual realm you know coincidences aren’t just coincidences. Everything is connected if you only pay attention to it. 

So I’m listening to this podcast and I’m like I need more. I want to know more about spirituality. How do I tap into it? 

I’m doing my research and I find out he has a church right there in California! 

Hot diggity as my grandma would say. 

Immediately I pray that it’s close to me because I don’t drive and if it’s in Venice I may be shit out of luck. But nope it’s in Los Angeles and about 30 minutes from where I lived. 

That Sunday I went to the church and I’m skeptical. 

Christian churches have never felt like a warm hug to me. Always felt like a cold wall was there. No tea, no shade if that’s for you. It’s my truth. 

I walk inside and they have tarot cards, spiritual books, crystals, and incense placed on tables for sale. 

In a church you say? YES! 

Throughout the service they say affirmations, pray, have meditations, they have Practitioners who are people you can talk to. They will guide you and pray with you. The energy around these beings is open, loving, and limitless. It’s so beautiful. 

Through all of this, I lost my job. I’m living off of severance, savings, and prayer. Praying I find another job so I can stay in LA and also find my way to center again. 

Before I lost my job I was already thinking about what was next for me. The job I had in the entertainment industry felt like a career check mark for me. “I did it, so now what? What’s next?” 

I felt like something was knocking at my door to step into next but I wasn’t yet sure what it was. 

When I lost my job, it permitted me to explore other areas of interest for me without restrictions. 

Over time I realized I didn’t want to stay in the Entertainment Industry. Too many people are angry and as an assistant, it’s always directed at you. Like bruh, I’m trying my best to help you out. Relax. 

Almost every interview I had asked how you deal with difficult people or people that may give you a hard time.

Shid even the applications would ask me the same question. 

Bombastic Side eye. 

And this is the person that would be my boss. 

I kept trying to convince myself that was something I was okay with. I could thug it out until I found another job. I just needed something to get me through before money runs out and my lease is over.

But I realized that if I have to go through that… I didn’t want the job. 

*fake smile* no thank you

I had a conversation with my sister about being a Black woman and having to take shit at work. 

Why?

Is that a silent requirement? Is that an unwritten rule for Black women? For me? 

In my childhood, I dealt with a dad who has a major attitude and anger issues. After our conversation, I thought, “Yea, why the fuck would I choose that on purpose for a job. Making myself miserable on purpose.”

—- 

*Foreshadowing- moving back home… I know what I said in Coyote Ugly about being glad I moved back home, and that’s true.  I’m very grateful to be able to live with my parents until I get on my feet… boy oh boy it has its challenges.*

——

I can handle my own but why do I? Especially at the hand of having a job. Something that supports me and feeds me. 

I quit. 

No more.

But I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what field I want to work in. For the past 6 years, I’ve been striving to work in the entertainment industry. It’s all I’ve had my eyes on. 

I completed my mission but I don’t know what’s next.

—-

A few months back I went to this sex convention. I got to listen to my favorite millionaire matchmaker Patti Stranger talk and got to listen to sex therapists talk about fetishes and the correlation between sex and mental health. I was in the dollhouse of my favorite thing to talk about. Well, more on the hand of listening to. I love listening to other people talk about their sex lives and the kinks of it all. 

I was messing around with a guy who was going to school to be a doctor. With him being in school.. me trying to find my next career option… and going to the event… the thought of going back to school to become a sex therapist ran across my mind.

It would be impossible. It’s so much money. How would I even do that?!. Blah blah blah

Telling myself no before the Universe could tell me no. We can sometimes be our worst critics. 

I was talking to people in my circle about this floating idea and came to find out I knew so many people who were going to school for social work or a licensed therapist. 

Coincidence?

I’m like okay universe I see you but are you sure? How will this work?

I’m looking up schools in LA and none of them are hitting the hammer. It’s all about drug addiction and family therapy but that’s not where I want to go. 

I want to do something dealing with mental but what? I don’t know. 

I found a school in Pennsylvania, a place I’ve always wanted to live, that has studies in Human Sexuality and Counseling but the cost of tuition is fucking stupid. I’ll be in debt when I die. (For those who ain’t ever paying it back go ahead and laugh lmao)  

I’m like something gots to give. 

I’m still going to this church.

I’m still trying to find my way out of this pickle I’m in.

My lease is up in June. It’s March-April ish and no job is coming through as I thought it would. The jobs that I had an amazing feeling about fell through even the recruiter’s amazement. 

I’m like, “Universe! What are you doing? What do you want from me!?”

During this time I’m exploring parts of LA I never got a chance to because of work. I spent a day in Long Beach and went to Manhattan Beach. 

I  was never a beach person but the ocean kept calling ya girl! Begging me to be in the water. To be cleansed. 

While figuring things out I was still enjoying life. I was on this natural high. I was hanging out with friends- I was enjoying the LA scene. I wasn’t letting the unknown get me down. 

That is a first for me. If something was getting me down I would let my emotions control me. I would be watching RuPaul for three days straight and on the third day I would still be sad. This experience taught me that my outside experience doesn’t have to reflect what I feel on the inside. Nope. Hell Naw. It also taught me that I am an emotional person. The majority of us are. We have to learn to ride the wave of our high and low emotions. 

Ride that wave. Learn how your wave moves. It’s like surfing. I never surfed lmao. But I imagine it’s listening to the ocean and being gentle with it. 

Letting it know you’re safe with me. I’m not trying to change you. I’m here with you. We are one. We are going to get through this together. No fighting. All love. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh shits crazy good.

By the end of April or early May. This voice keeps saying you need to go home. 

I’m like are you fucking crazy! I came to LA to escape that shit. The house is nothing but the matrix. Imma get stuck there. Everyone close to me is like don’t do that. That’s a bad idea. But I’m like what other choice do I have? I don’t have a job that can pay all of my bills. I had two jobs at the moment but it wasn’t enough to cover everything.  

I’m even talking to my therapist about it and she’s like, “I don’t know Say. You don’t have any other family to stay with.”  

“Naw. Everyone is booked up.”

This voice just won’t leave me alone. 

The clock is ticking, money is running out and the lease is about to end. What are we doing?

“I think imma move back with my parents”

My body felt calm. It felt a sense of relief. The anxiety I had been feeling for months was now gone. 

I hated how calm I felt. I wanted this to be such a wrong decision. 

My body didn’t have nervous or angry quivers. My mind was empty. Everything was one. It was in control. I wasn’t rushing anything. It was perfect timing. 

For days me and my therapist talked it through. And still with everyone saying no. My inner being said yes. 

Now this is just my personal story. You know your world. If your inner being would’ve told you something completely different. Full respect for you.  My higher self said, “I know Sabryn, I know but there’s some doors you gotta close over there.”

So I sold my furniture. Donated a bunch of stuff and brought a one-way ticket back to the DMV. 

Something I thought I would never do. And if I did it would be for a visit or in 5-10 years. 

It was 2 years later that I was going back. When I finally found my place in LA. I was finally getting the hang of living there and the Universe said, “UNO REVERSE”

Now it’s 9 months later… and how do I survive in a place of delusion? 

I had to become delusional myself. I had to figuratively and literally put my head down. 

I needed time to grieve the life I thought I was gonna live. 

Working in the entertainment industry. Climb the ladder, and become an executive that helps stories by Black people be told. The friendships that were created- I thought I would be able to cheer them on from the sidelines and not on the other side of the United States. I thought that would be my home, my safe haven for me to continue to build and grow personally and professionally.

I had to accept not knowing what my future looked like. I had to grieve leaving the Sabryn I was in LA and become a Sabryn I no longer recognized. 

Why become a Sabryn I didn’t recognize? Because unconsciously I didn’t think being the new Sabryn in an old environment was safe for me to do. 

Transforming out of the unrecognized Sabryn into the LA Sabryn took months for me to do. Months!!! And it was not easy. There were days I didn’t wanna talk. I was so damn angry I couldn’t control my mood. I was miserable.

How did I get through it? A spiritual reader and a therapist. Forcing myself to go outside just for a walk when I didn’t have money. Do yoga outside. Mediate. Do my tarot cards. Allow myself to feel every emotion I had. Talk to my best friend. I was fighting like hell to not be stuck in hell. Journal.

Once I finally found a job and had money I went outside and did things that sparked my curiosity and made me excited. It helped me rediscover that I am safe within myself no matter the environment I’m in. 

Just the other day the Universe gave me a swift kick and forced me to take the red pill and told me to wake the hell up! It’s game time! (I guess I had done enough waking up that it kicked me to complete the transition lol)

Even with me finding Sabryn again and seeing all the synchronicities and coincidences doesn’t mean everything is perfect. 

Nope

The pattern that happened in LA could happen again to me… being laid off. 

I’m doing what I can to try and find another job before and if that happens. 

In the meantime what I learned from this whole thing is that I got me. I showed myself that I can hold myself up. I moved across the country with the help of my mom. But when she left- I was in a new state all by myself.

I built a trust system with myself. 

Building that trust system I learned to listen to my intuition. When I thought something was sketchy I turned the other way. When I felt a big emotion I learned to let it come up rather than swallowing it. When I said I was going to do something for myself I did it. I started to buy clothes that made me feel good. When I saw an event that excited me I went to the event by myself. The little things add up to big rewards down the line. 

I now know that when shit hits the fan I will find a way to swing on that motherfucker. 

It will not be the end of me. I’m a mother fucking Phoenix. 

So I pray I will be okay. My job stays intact and the plans I have stay intact. 

I prayyyyyyyyyy

I don’t have a magical wand. I wish I did( team RAVENNN CLAWWW!!!)

My mission in LA was completed. Even though the entertainment industry was there.. I moved there to get to know me. To discover a Sabryn I had never met before. To see who i was without self restrictions. I felt like I was put in a box that was stifling my growth and i wanted out.

I learned that the Universe is always watching out for you. It wants the best for you even of it looks like its not. Take a look back at your past and see if you can connect the dots on your life. It’s always sending you signs and messages. 

The biggest question of it all is…

Are you ready to wake up? 

Sabryn